Warning - Semi-Merdeka Rant Ahead

See the picture above? This is the room of a patriot. A patriot who was not allowed to be what he wanted to be because his country and people told him no.

This room - is my room.

You may or may not know this, but all my life there were only two things I wanted to do for a living - fly a plane or be a soldier (a fact I only admitted to people during my last birthday; thanks for the tie, wallet and um...really strong cologne, guys). Actually it started off as a mix of both. As a kid, I wanted to be a fighter pilot. And I was dead serious about it. The problem was, nobody told me no. They assumed that once I grew up and discovered the realities of Malaysia, this ridiculous idea of a Chinese guy (damn I hate that label) joining the air force and flying planes for a 'Malay' country would slowly die away.

Well you know what? They should have told me from the start that I was expressly forbidden by my community to be in any branch of the Malaysian armed forces because I'm a damn Chinese guy (yes, that label again).

You see, as a young man of seventeen, I understood the racial - and absolutely ridiculous - nature of Malaysia but I persisted in joining. My rationale? It's about changing things. I wrote about this in a recent essay for my English class. In it, I tore at the racial nature of Malaysia which prevented me from becoming what I wanted to be. I tore at the stupidity of both sides in turning Malaysia into a silly game of who-gets-more. I reasoned that it was about building bridges; building a nation. I reasoned that if nobody was going to change things as they are, who was? I knew I wanted to, but apparently it was a totally alien idea to Malaysians.

You should see the look on your faces when I tell you guys I wanted to be in the navy. You'd be shocked at how disgusted the looks you gave me. Tell me, what's the entire problem about me being a navy officer? Is it any different from you, who wanted to be a doctor, or you who wanted to be an engineer?

I remember writing too in that very same essay, about wanting to go to America and join the Marines. Absurd, I know, but if you (and hopefully Mr Raymer, my lecturer) read between the lines, you will know what I mean. All I'm trying to do is highlight the difference between America and us, where a job in the armed forces is not considered one for pariahs. And in Chinese words, pariah usually means Malay.

Derogatory? Feels good when you're hurling it at someone of a different race doesn't it, you racist bigots? Bet you never imagined there would be someone among you who is enlightened enough to see beyond racial lines and actually want to serve his country.

And to all the people who got the good life - overseas scholarships, parental support and the like to do what they want. They got to be what they wanted to be at the best places at the expense of someone else. All they have to worry about was the cold, long flights, a 'guaranteed job' with the government and the fact that they couldn't get a decent plate of nasi lemak where they are now. And yet they moan and whine, as if life still owes them an arm and a leg. Yes, these very people who flash disgusted looks at me and my ambitions. In one glare they try to destroy and belittle my ambition; my will to be a patriot and serve my country. I tell you this now: no amount of sugar-coating will disguise the fact that you all called me stupid to my face. That you called me stupid for daring to dream.

Tell me, am I better off where I am now? Trying to cram notes and formulas and points into my head studying in a place that sucks balls? We don't have good nasi lemak here in Sarawak either, you know. Believe it. What we do have however, are overzealous university administrators who want to fence up the university perimeter just because they don't like the idea of us stepping just outside the university border (literally) to have some pork with our rice for lunch. Interesting thing is, the only place they want to fence off is the area in the proximity of the Chinese food shop. The bunch of pricks.

So I'm asking you to tell me again, how well do you think I'm liking life here?

If you saw my previous posts, you'd see my other love too: airplanes. Yup, realizing I couldn't be an air force pilot, I tried to be an airline one, but once again I screwed myself over in the medical. Nobody else to blame but myself - I understand this one. But somehow I can never help but imagine what could have been: a high flying, high paying job in an office 35000 feet above everything else. It's bliss. Like I said, it was what I could have been doing instead of spending a further 3 years in this wretched state memorizing textbooks.

I get jealous whenever I see pilots now and I get even more jealous when I see cadet pilots. They're all set for a career that I can never have, and that's a sad fact I have to accept. Self pity doesn't help I know, but all I'm trying to do is hammer home my point to people who berate me about their sucky-overseas-studying-for-what-you-want life whenever I remark (out of politeness, especially) that they're having a good time.

I say to you now: suck it up.

Switch places with me and you'll see how 'well' I'm doing. Two of my life's dreams in pieces. Must be a jolly good lot more fun than doing a degree of your choice in the UK or US isn't it?

Man, am I glad to have got that all off my chest. I'm sorry if this offended anyone, but I just can't help it. I get this weird envious, boiling feeling whenever I see cadet pilots remember? And I just happened to stumble upon a cadet pilot's profile over friendster. Seeing her soar over the Australian surf...it could've been me. Yes, it could've been.

Boy, was all that a long rant or what?